


Hail Mary

by Joolz



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: April Showers Challenge, Drama, Episode Related, Episode: s02e06 Trinity, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Pre-Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-03-11
Updated: 2006-03-11
Packaged: 2017-10-17 20:28:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,286
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/180891
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Joolz/pseuds/Joolz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“I have never until this moment had reason to be ashamed of the people under my command on Atlantis.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hail Mary

People had looked at John like he was demented when he actually whistled in the hall, so now he was settling for a rhythmic bounce in his step. It was two days since he and Zelenka had pulled off the Hail Mary of all times and rescued Rodney from the bottom of the ocean. With help from a whale, of all things. Events in the Pegasus Galaxy were often improbable, but as long as they kept making those unlikely touchdowns, he wasn’t going to complain.

That’s why John was happy – they’d cheated death once again. True, everything didn’t always work out, the casualty statistics made that clear enough, but there were certain people that he needed to be all right, one in particular, and so far so good.

John was skipping down a flight of stairs toward his office, which he’d chosen for its out of the way location. He stopped when he saw the gathering of about a dozen people on the lower stairs and landing. It was all military except for one blue science shirt.

Rodney McKay was surrounded by Marines, and it wasn’t a social gathering. John heard one of the men say, “You want to explain that? Why you’re still here and Griffin isn’t?”

Sheppard expected his friend to flay the soldiers alive for delaying him with pointless questions, but instead he saw Rodney’s shoulder’s slump and heard a quiet, “I don’t know.”

The other men sensed weakness and shifted subtly toward their quarry. One of them growled into Rodney’s face, “You’re pretty dangerous to be around, aren’t you? We’re not so sure that’s a coincidence.”

Rodney cringed and John frowned, then shouted, “Hey! What’s going on here?” He pounded down the steps separating him from the group. The Marines’ postures improved, but they didn’t move away as John pushed between them.

The man in front of McKay, who appeared to be the ringleader, answered gruffly, “Just having a conversation with Dr. McKay. Clearing a few things up.” It was one of the guys that had arrived on the last Daedalus run, just a couple of weeks earlier. A lieutenant, from his insignia – John had barely met him. All the men in the group had arrived some time in the last several months, except for Corporal Charles, who had come with the original contingent. He was hanging around behind the others looking uncomfortable.

John shot a look at Rodney and wondered how a man could be pale and flushed at the same time. It didn’t look healthy. The way McKay was staring at his own feet was totally unlike him, too.

John touched his arm and asked, “You all right?”

Rodney nodded, but didn’t look up.

Turning to the others John ordered, “Now back off. Tell me what this is about.”

Reluctantly, the men moved down onto the landing and John followed, leaving Rodney on the fourth stair, where he stood forlornly.

John glared, “Well, Lt. Tavernier?”

The man’s chin lifted belligerently. “I know I haven’t been here long, but I’ve heard a lot about what’s been going on. We all have. It’s just a little suspicious.”

His voice icy, Sheppard asked, “What, exactly?” Whatever this was about, they were going to get it out in the open and dealt with immediately.

“The way people keep dying under mysterious conditions around McKay. Griffin is just the most recent example. We don’t know how it really went down in that ‘jumper. We only have his,’ with a dismissive gesture toward the scientist, “word for what happened. Why is Griffin dead instead of him?”

Emboldened, another man said, “It’s not right.”

Then another chimed in, “Griffin was a good guy. Everyone liked him.” The emphasis suggested that the same was not true of McKay.

John heard a noise behind him as Rodney sat down heavily on the stairs. He looked shell shocked, but John kept his attention focused on the group.

Hands on his hips, he asked sharply, “What else? Come on, what else have you got stuck in your craws?”

Tavernier said, “There was that scientist a few weeks ago that got nuked. Everybody is saying it was McKay’s fault. And we heard about the guy on the Daedalus who got spaced. How come he was the one in the air lock? McKay was the only other person there.”

Another prompted, “And what about that Dr. Grodin? Is it coincidence that he was on the space station when it blew up and not McKay?”

Now they were talking about people most of them had never even met. John glared at Corporal Charles, who just shrugged and said, “Miller was there, but now he’s dead, too. People wonder.”

On a roll, Tavernier went on, “And let’s not forget the guy who supposedly blew his own brains out. Pretty damn convenient for McKay, and no other witnesses. Or how about that virus thing? Everyone dropping dead right up until it was supposed to be McKay’s turn, then he suddenly finds a cure? Yeah, right.”

This had gone on long enough. John barked, “That’s it! Nobody say another word.”

Tavernier opened his mouth to argue, but Sheppard got in his face. “You do know who I am, don’t you, Lieutenant? You have noted where the chain of command starts on this station?”

The man stood to attention, mimicked by most of the others. “Yes, sir, Colonel Sheppard.”

“Good.”

John stalked several paces away and then back, pacing as he tried to calm down. He was angry enough to do serious damage if he wasn’t careful. Just the recitation of all those times Rodney could have died was enough to make him puke, and these guys didn’t know the half of it. John wanted to hustle Rodney, who was still sitting there glassy-eyed, away and find another one of those personal shields for him.

But this had to be handled right. If there were rumors like that going around they needed to be stopped now. Because, yeah, Rodney could really rub people the wrong way and there were a lot of new personnel around that didn’t have the full perspective. In a situation of almost constant danger, some would be looking for a scapegoat, and no way was that going to be Rodney.

It was one of the drawbacks of John being the only military person on their field team. Before, Ford had been able to smooth things over when McKay stepped on someone’s macho, testosterone laden toes. Teyla and Ronon had the respect of the Marines, but not the same influence. And John was the commanding officer, so he would be the last to know anything.

John was going to have to make a lasting impression on these men. Just another one of those things his pilot training hadn’t prepared him for.

He stopped in front of the group, faced them and said evenly, “Okay, I want you all to listen carefully.” He looked each one in the face until he was sure he had their attention.

“First of all, I have never until this moment had reason to be ashamed of the people under my command on Atlantis. I’ve always had the highest regard for the men and women of this mission, who have faced impossible odds with distinction and courage. Unlike the crybabies I see before me right now.

“Has it escaped your attention, gentlemen, that we are in a front-line combat situation in an entirely different galaxy, dependent entirely on alien technology? There has been a lot of death, a lot of casualties since we got here. There will be more. But has anyone,” he locked eyes with Charles again, “told you about all the people who are still alive because of Dr. McKay? As in each and every one of us who has been here more than two weeks. Huh?”

The corporal didn’t answer, he just twitched uneasily.

John went on, his gaze sweeping over them all. “Ask about that the next time you feel the need to gossip. Have any of you noticed that most of the people you listed were scientists? Civilians who are also in a front-line, combat situation? Civilians who don’t have anything like the kind of training we have, yet are often the first ones into hazardous situations? Civilians who have shown as much courage and willingness to sacrifice as any Marine?”

He gestured toward the listless figure on the steps. “Civilian scientists like Dr. McKay. Do you think for one minute that if I had any doubts at all about his capability or intentions I would have him on my field team? Do I look like I have a death wish?” He mentally admonished, ‘don’t answer that’. “You have no idea how proud I am of him or how much I admire his abilities. It’s an honor to work with him.

“Which brings me to the heart of the matter. Don’t you fucking dare…” His anger boiled over for a moment and he swallowed it back down. “Don’t you dare dishonor all the people who have given their lives in service to this mission, military and civilian. Don’t you dare denigrate what Sgt. Griffin did.”

John took a deep breath and went on more evenly, if no less emphatically. “Sgt. Griffin gave his life to save Dr. McKay’s, yes, and he did it without hesitation. He deserves our admiration, but what he did was not exceptional.”

He leaned forward, fixing them with a steely gaze. “He did his job. I expect each and every one of you to do the same. If any of you find yourselves in a situation with Dr. McKay or any other civilian where you have to chose between your life and his, I expect you to give up your life willingly. I expect there to be no hesitation or discussion. Sgt. Griffin didn’t waste time, he saw what he had to do and he did it. We are here specifically to protect the civilians to the full extent of our ability, regardless of the cost to ourselves.

“This is the entire basis of our service in the military. The willingness to sacrifice our lives for others and for the mission, the feeling that it is an honor to do so, should be the reason we joined in the first place and it should be something we live and breathe every day. It’s what gives meaning to everything we do – being stronger or faster or braver isn’t an end in itself, it’s a means of fulfilling our purpose. I shouldn’t have to explain this to you.”

Sheppard was gratified to see that most of the soldiers were looking chagrined. The ones who weren’t, like Tavernier, would bear watching.

“And if you think I’m expecting you to do something I’m not willing to do myself, ask around about that, too.”

John locked his hands behind his back and stared them down. “Now, I want you to think about why you’re here - in the Marines and in Atlantis. I want you to look inside yourselves to see if you have the capacity to do what Sgt. Griffin did. Then I want you each to give a personal apology to Dr. McKay. Not now. I want you to wait until you understand why your suspicions were wrong and why cornering and harassing Dr. McKay was wrong. When you can honestly and sincerely apologize, then do it. If you can’t, I’ll have your transfer papers filled out and signed before the Daedalus arrives again, because there’s no place for you here. The same goes for everyone under this command. Is that understood?”

The men nodded, and several said, “Yes, sir.”

“Dismissed.”

~~**~~

 

After watching the chastened men file away down the hall, John turned back to Rodney and moved to sit down next to him on the steps. Rodney looked devastated, the bandage on his temple standing out starkly, and John could see that his hands were trembling.

“Hey,” John asked, “are you okay? Are you even supposed to be out of the infirmary?” The experience in the sunken ‘jumper had hit Rodney hard, both physically and emotionally, and Carson had been hovering more than usual.

McKay waved a hand in the air. “I was discharged a little while ago. I was going to hide out in the lab down here.”

Sheppard grimaced. “That didn’t go so well, did it? Those jerks didn’t know what they were talking about. Don’t let them bother you, Rodney.”

Never one to evade an issue, Rodney said, “They got some details wrong, but they weren’t wrong about the deaths. It’s not like I haven’t….” He struggled with the words. “It isn’t that I don’t wonder, too. Why do I live when so many people around me die?” Rodney looked at John beseechingly, as though he had the answer. “I had nothing to do but think about that while I was in the infirmary. Is it because I’ve actually succeeded in convincing people that my life is more important than theirs?”

“Maybe it is.”

Rodney gaped at him incredulously.

“Well,” Sheppard clarified, “not more important in the moral sense, maybe, but in that you have a better chance of survival than most. What I mean is, what if it had been you who closed the bulkhead doors and died? Would Griffin have been able to work with the ‘jumper to stay alive until we could get to him? Wouldn’t the anoxia or hypothermia have gotten him first? Of the two, you were the only one who had a hope of making it.”

“Yes, of course I know that.” McKay’s voice didn’t have quite the same snap as usual. It was more open and raw. “Still. It doesn’t feel good to know he died for me.”

John agreed, “It isn’t supposed to. But believe me, I understand survivor’s guilt. It’ll pass. Mostly.”

Rodney was looking off towards the smooth, featureless wall in front of them across the landing. He said, “When it happened, the doors shut and then there was this noise, a whoosh, and I knew he was dead. I didn’t understand. I couldn’t understand how he could do it. Just like that. Whoosh. Major genius here, and my brain shut down for a second for utter lack of comprehension.”

John nodded. Imagining what it must have been like for Rodney made his gut hurt.

Then Rodney turned to look at him. “But what you said before made sense. It helped me understand why he did that. It’s a type of logic that doesn’t come naturally to me and I wouldn’t want it to, but I can see where it might work for some people. It explains not just Griffin, but you, too.”

“Me?”

“Yeah, all those heroic near death experiences. It kind of helps me be less angry at you for putting me through that to understand what it means to you. Not totally un-angry, but less. Because you do seem to have a reckless disregard for your own life.”

“I don’t want to die,” John explained, “but I do what I have to. There would be worse things than dying to save you. I’d be proud to.”

“I get that. But I really, really don’t want you to die. Not at all, and especially not for me. If I could make you promise not to do a Griffin, I would, because I don’t think I could live with that.” Rodney swallowed, looking miserable.

John scooted a little closer and slid an arm around Rodney’s back. A manly, friendly hug. Or maybe just a little more than friendly. He could feel the tension in Rodney’s body and gave his arm a squeeze.

“I promise not to do anything like that unless there’s absolutely no other way, okay? And I think you’re conveniently forgetting the times you’ve risked your life for me.” Rodney snorted and John thought for a minute, then said, “As for why other people keep dying when it could have been you, I have a theory. Wanna hear it?”

Rodney nodded.

“Now, remember, I’m not saying this is a good theory, but it’s like this: I think death keeps passing you by because I need it to.”

Rodney looked at him, confused, and Sheppard continued.

“If I were a superstitious man, I would think that someone out there was arranging to keep you alive because I need you around. It’s not that I’m glad anyone else dies, but I can live without the others. I don’t want to even try to get along without your eccentric, exasperating brilliance. Or your friendship. I have the feeling that if you went, I probably wouldn’t be far behind. That’s all the answer I really need as to why things have worked out the way they have. Weird, huh?”

Rodney huffed and shook his head, staring at John in amazement. “Strangely, not so much. I wouldn’t normally say this because they’d have me living in Heightmeyer’s office, but I’ve actually thought something similar.”

“What, that you’re alive because I want it?”

“No, you idiot.” Rodney almost laughed. “I’ve thought that the reason you keep having these miraculous escapes might be because I willed it with the sheer power of my mind. That maybe my brain is able to manipulate reality itself. Of course I know it can’t be true, but sometimes when I’ve had too much caffeine and too little sleep it seems like it might be.” Rodney’s face fell. “I try not to think that. It scares me. What if my brain lets us down? What then?”

“It hasn’t failed us yet.”

Rodney shot him a skeptical look from under his eyelashes.

John chuckled. “Hardly ever. But hey, maybe with both our mojos going at the same time we’ll be all right.”

“That’s hardly sound scientific procedure.”

“Whatever works.”

“Maybe,” Rodney allowed, then said awkwardly, “Thank you for what you said about me before, to the guys. It was, um, nice. Overly dramatic, but nice.”

John had been looking forward to some scathing derision over his little speech, but this peek at Rodney’s more vulnerable side was kind of sweet. John had always been able to sense his importance to Rodney below the snark, but hearing it openly stated felt good. He was glad that he’d been able to tell Rodney some of what he felt, too.

“I meant every word.”

John could sense the tension in Rodney’s muscles easing and pulled him closer. With his arm around him, John was very aware of how much broader Rodney’s shoulders and back were than his own. A solid man. Real, whole, alive. Precious.

John wanted to kiss him. Their faces were so close he could almost feel five o’clock shadow rasp against his lips. Could almost taste the warm breath. Could almost smell the potential for something great between them.

John wanted to kiss him, but he didn’t. It wasn’t the right time, with Rodney still working through the most recent trauma. But soon. It wouldn’t take more than a single fumble somewhere on the team for the Hail Mary to turn into the losing play. Before that happened to either himself or Rodney, he wanted Rodney to know how he felt. It was a risk he wanted to take.

For now he was content to sit on the steps with his friend, listening to life in Atlantis echo around them. He released the embrace, but kept their shoulders pressed together. After a few minutes of silence he bumped the other man gently.

“You feeling better?”

“A cup of coffee and I’ll be good as new.”

“You want to go get one?”

“In a while. It’s kind of nice here. Peaceful.”

John sent out a prayer for it to stay that way.

 

End


End file.
